All my life I have been a Christian. I remember accepting Jesus into my heart at age 3. I went to a Christian school, church every Sunday and had an amazing Christian family. But, even though I’d grown up Christian, there were lies about God and how He saw me that I continually believed. Ever since I remember I have struggled with anxiety, and one of the biggest triggers to that anxiety was wondering if I was actually forgiven for my failures. My relationship with God was like a rollercoaster. If I had done something good, I felt that surely I was ok with God, but if I messed up, I would dip into shame and condemnation, feeling like it wasn’t enough for me to just ask God for forgiveness.
My relationship with God was like a rollercoaster.
This is what my relationship with God looked like when I came to DTS. I was so hungry, though, to surrender everything and see Him move mountains in my life. Every week in DTS there is a new topic and I kept seeing something said about God’s grace. It was attractive to me, I think because it was a gift I so needed, but didn’t feel I could really receive. But, God was not content with me believing that lie.
It was attractive to me, I think because it was a gift I so needed, but didn’t feel I could really receive. But, God was not content with me believing that lie.
As time went on, God kept showing me His grace. We went to a conference a few weeks into my DTS and as we were having small group one day a friend of mine was praying for me and when she finished praying she said, “I see you dancing in a field, and you’re free.” I thought that was a cool image, but I didn’t really know what it meant, so I just held on to it. The next day, a girl I didn’t know came to pray for me, and when she finished praying she said, “I see you dancing in a field, light on your feet.” I was like… okay… interesting, I heard this same thing yesterday! But, I still didn’t know what God was trying to say to me through it so I kept holding on to it.
Around the last week of our lecture phase, I was in worship and another friend came to pray for me. When she finished praying she said, “It’s time to dance, this is a new level of freedom.” And right there is when it clicked for me. Suddenly, I realized that God was showing me that what He did on the cross was enough for me and that His grace was a gift that I could receive. I could actually be forgiven for my mistakes and when I do that I am that girl dancing in a field, free and light on my feet because the burden of guilt, shame and condemnation no longer has a hold on me.
I could actually be forgiven for my mistakes and when I do that I am that girl dancing in a field, free and light on my feet because the burden of guilt, shame and condemnation no longer has a hold on me.
It seems like such a simple truth, but it changed everything for me. My relationship with God was no longer exhausting and full of shame, it was a source of refreshment and joy, because my Savior died for me, and it was enough.
This all happened 5 years ago when I came to do my DTS, and I always think back on this, because it was a pivotal moment for me in my relationship with God and it really did change everything for me. Now, because God has set me free from the weight of my sin, I get to invite others into knowing that same truth, that sweet, undeserved, beautiful, simple truth.
– Marissa, September 2015 DTS